Introduction to Parental Conflict

Arguments in relationships are normal; however destructive, frequent, poorly resolved parental conflict can be extremely damaging for yourself and for your children.

Parental conflict whether during a relationship, during separation or while co- parenting, can feel overwhelming. It affects not only the adults involved but also the children who may feel caught in the middle. This guide provides practical strategies, tools and activities to help parents manage conflict, reduce stress and protect their children’s emotional well-being.

Understanding the links between past, present and future

Our childhood experiences can shape how we handle relationships and conflict as adults. If you grew up around frequent arguments or tension, you might have developed coping habits like avoiding conflict, reacting strongly, or struggling to express feelings.

These patterns can carry into adult relationships and parenting, sometimes leading to more conflict. By reflecting on how the past has influenced us, we can begin to change these habits and build healthier, more respectful relationships, for ourselves and our children.

Gaining insight – Score your answers to the following questions, with 0 being never and 5 being always:

My own parents/carers were able to talk freely and openly and share their thoughts and feelings

Arguments got resolved in a timely manner with equal contributions from both my parents/carers

We often did things together and shared our time and interests

The primary adult/s in my life had clear boundaries that kept me safe and well

I was given age-appropriate responsibilities and allowed to make my own good choices

Trust, appreciation and honesty were important in my family

We could all communicate openly and respectfully

Adults in my family were good role models

Expressions of love and caring were openly given

We enjoyed spending time together

I felt listened to

I felt I could voice my opinions openly without feeling fearful, anxious or ashamed

The primary adult/s in my life were fair with discipline

My needs were always considered

Family life felt secure and safe

You may want to take these thoughts with you and explore them more deeply in a journal or notebook. They’re designed to help you reflect, grow, and nurture healthier ways of thinking and engaging in future interactions.

How the past can affect our current and future relationships

We absorb behaviours from parents or caregivers, especially how they handled conflict. For example:

If emotions weren’t expressed, we may avoid sharing feelings.
If conflict was loud, we might react defensively.
If conflict was avoided, we may fear confrontation.

These patterns are learned, and therefore can be unlearned. Understanding the past helps us choose healthier communication, break negative cycles, and create a calmer home for our children.