The Relationship Spectrum
Identifying and understanding the stages of parental conflict helps to support healthy outcomes for children. Conflict is normal but destructive conflict can harm children.
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The Relationship Spectrum
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
INTER-COUPLE/PARENTAL CONFLICT
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE/ABUSE
Respectful, equal,
cooperative, happy
SITUATION
All relationships have tricky moments, it’s how they’re experienced and resolved that matters
Children are experiencing constructive resolution of any arguments, characterised by mutual respect and emotional control
Mostly respectful,
equal, cooperative
(but experiencing
difficulties)
Situation
Lack of open and honest communication; difficulties are minimised, not recognised or addressed
Children beginning to be affected by conflict between their parents
Action
Early conversation initiated by Family Practitioner; direct to sources of self-help
Conflictual,
non-communicative,
non-violent
Situation
Conflict is frequent, intense and poorly resolved; parents emotionally unavailable to their partner and children; lack of consistency in parenting; feeling isolated; toxic atmosphere
Children being adversely affected
Action
Family assessment; consider referral to local relationships support services
Situational couple
conflict, abuse,
violence both ways
Situation
Day to day unresolved and unresolvable conflicts; no consistent pattern of ‘victim’ or ‘abuser’
Children being adversely affected; children may show signs of distress and their mental health/behaviour may be affected
Action
Family assessment; contact your local helpline or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for advice/access to services
Controlling/abusive
behaviour
Situation
Clearer ‘victim’ and clearer ‘abuser’
Children being significantly adversely affected; children’s mental health and/or behaviour being affected
Action
Family assessment; follow domestic abuse pathway/processes; refer to children’s services
Coercive control and
physical harm, fear of
violence/death
Situation
Clear ‘abuser’ and clear ‘victim’ who is at significant risk of harm
Children at risk of significant harm; children being traumatised
Action
Referral to specialist domestic abuse service(s); refer to children’s services
Relationships
Healthy relationships involve trust, respect, and open communication. Conflict is handled with compromise and understanding.
Unhealthy relationships may include poor communication, distrust, and imbalance, leaving one person feeling unsupported.
Abusive relationships involve patterns of control, fear, and harm, such as threats, isolation, or violence and require specialist support.
Parental conflict is not abuse, but frequent or intense conflict can still harm children. It's best addressed through better communication and co-parenting strategies.
Sometimes relationships can become unhealthy even harmful. It’s not always easy to see when a relationship becomes unsafe, especially while trying to care for your child and hold things together. But recognising abuse is a powerful first step.
Domestic abuse can leave lasting emotional scars on children, affecting their confidence, behaviour, and mental health. Sadly, it may also increase the risk of experiencing or repeating abuse in adulthood.
Is my relationship safe?
Answer the following question to establish if your relationship would benefit from specialist support/ intervention.
Domestic Abuse
Recognising that you’re in an abusive relationship can take time, and as a parent, this can feel even more overwhelming. Leaving is never easy, especially when you’re worried about your child’s safety and wellbeing, but it’s important to know that change is possible. When a parent leaves an abusive relationship, children often begin to thrive in a calmer, more secure environment. Healing is possible for both you and your child. You don’t have to face this alone, there are services and support available to help you rebuild and recover. If you’re thinking about leaving, creating a safety plan can help you take steps toward a safer future for you and your child.
You deserve to feel safe, respected, and empowered, for yourself and your child/ren.
Domestic abuse carries serious risks and needs specialist support.
If you’re in an abusive relationship, or worried about your own behaviour, please seek help. Support is available for both victims and those causing harm.